Category Archives: Life

Present danger

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Finish this sentence from a classic hymn, concentrating especially on the next noun you’re going to use.
“Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were …”
You’re an intelligent reader (look around you on screen: QED) and doubtless went for “an offering far too small.” Which is the right answer. Well done. I won’t insult you by reminding you that this is of course the last verse of “When I survey the wondrous cross”, and it finishes:
“Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my life, my soul, my all.”
Oh, drat.
Sadly, you are not the fool who wrote the version displayed in church this morning that would have it as “… a present far too small.”
A present? A present? Can you honestly not tell the difference between a present, a token exchanged between friends, and an offering, a sacrificial presentation with the potential range to include absolutely everything you have? Who gives God presents? (Apart from these guys.) Can you not see what Isaac Watts was trying to say? Can you really not?
Anyhoo. I’m very glad to report that the congregation was far more old school than I would usually have given them credit for and most seemed to sing “offering” too. As it should be.
Present. Honestly!

Crime scene

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All entrances to Albert Park sealed off this morning …

… and lurking beyond the trees we could see men in white boiler suits crawling about on the ground. Probably not the local bowls club.

And here’s why, it turns out: reports of a serious sexual assault on a 14-year-old girl around midnight last night; 16-year-old boy in custody.

I don’t hold with twaddle about contributory negligence, or the she-was-asking-for-it defence, or no-really-means-yes. If an assault was committed, string the brute up by whatever body parts might have been involved. But I can also think of an absolutely foolproof method that guarantees no 14-year-old girl will ever be assaulted in Albert Park at midnight. See if you can guess what it is.

Comment spam

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“I was very pleased to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.”

I shouldn’t let it get to me but still I do. Comment spam. WHY??

Courtesy of “Oxygen Plant”, the above little gem popped up suddenly in the comments on my recent Wytham Woods post, at the end of a brief exchange on the virtues of the late Robert Holdstock. It’s not hard to spot the slightly bogus aura of the safely neutral praise, even for a conversation not about Robert Holdstock. And sure enough a quick Google search on the exact text produces a lot of results.

I have no intention of revealing where Oxygen Plant comes from – you can do your own Googling, if you like – but suffice it to say it really is from an oxygen plant: in fact, according to its site, “a Family owned professionally managed company incorporated in 1963 for manufacturing industrial gases.”

So I say again, WHY??

Their chairman “is considered as the pioneer and founder of air separation plant manufacturing in India. All other Companies manufacturing similar products like oxygen plant are using Designs & Technology Pioneered by him.”

But despite his obvious business and scientific acuity, he thinks the best way of drumming up business is to spam as many blogs as he can? Does anyone really think, well, I was going to hold fire on ordering that oxygen plant but now, goodness gracious me, I do believe I’ll splash out?

Gaaaaaaah.