Author Archives: Ben

LarkLitFest

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Just what is the point of having a stepson if he can’t even let you know about a literary festival happening at his own school under his very nose?

“Did you know about the Larkmead Literary Festival?”

“The what?”

“It’ll be launching an anthology of short stories written by Larkmead students, put together by your writer-in-residence.”

“We have a writer-in-residence?”

And so forth.

And it does sound to have been a Jolly Good Idea: respect to all involved. Mostly Books has a report, as does the Abingdon Herald, so that’s all points covered, though there may be the slightest sliver of bias in the Herald’s reporting. As well as P. Pullman coming along to help launch the anthology, it reports:

“The visitors included authors M.G. Harris and Julie Hearn, illustrator David Melling, Paul Mayhew Archer, television scriptwriter for The Vicar of Dibley, and Mark Edwards, sports editor of the Herald’s sister newspaper, the Oxford Mail.”

If Pullman and the Oxford Mail’s sports editor represent two ends of a spectrum, I know which end I’m closer to, which gives me all sorts of hope.

My only criticism of reports I’ve read is that apparently proceedings went on until 8.30pm, which surely is far too late for Year 13s to be up.

Present danger

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Finish this sentence from a classic hymn, concentrating especially on the next noun you’re going to use.
“Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were …”
You’re an intelligent reader (look around you on screen: QED) and doubtless went for “an offering far too small.” Which is the right answer. Well done. I won’t insult you by reminding you that this is of course the last verse of “When I survey the wondrous cross”, and it finishes:
“Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my life, my soul, my all.”
Oh, drat.
Sadly, you are not the fool who wrote the version displayed in church this morning that would have it as “… a present far too small.”
A present? A present? Can you honestly not tell the difference between a present, a token exchanged between friends, and an offering, a sacrificial presentation with the potential range to include absolutely everything you have? Who gives God presents? (Apart from these guys.) Can you not see what Isaac Watts was trying to say? Can you really not?
Anyhoo. I’m very glad to report that the congregation was far more old school than I would usually have given them credit for and most seemed to sing “offering” too. As it should be.
Present. Honestly!

Crime scene

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All entrances to Albert Park sealed off this morning …

… and lurking beyond the trees we could see men in white boiler suits crawling about on the ground. Probably not the local bowls club.

And here’s why, it turns out: reports of a serious sexual assault on a 14-year-old girl around midnight last night; 16-year-old boy in custody.

I don’t hold with twaddle about contributory negligence, or the she-was-asking-for-it defence, or no-really-means-yes. If an assault was committed, string the brute up by whatever body parts might have been involved. But I can also think of an absolutely foolproof method that guarantees no 14-year-old girl will ever be assaulted in Albert Park at midnight. See if you can guess what it is.