Things I wasn’t expecting to do with my right hand when I woke up this morning

#2417: shake hands with Richard Dawkins.

Whereas he probably woke up fully expecting to shake hands with a lot of instantly forgettable people he will never see again, and I’d guess he wasn’t disappointed.

The great man came to work to use our videoconference suite to talk to the Royal Society of New Zealand, as part of the Auckland Writers & Readers Festival, on the theory of evolution today, 150 years after publication of On the Origin of Species. Apparently it went well. He at least had read the briefing notes about not wearing stripes or strong colours (both no-nos as far as good videoconferencing is concerned). The New Zealand host was wearing a black jacket and striped shirt, but hey, he’s not the one the kiwis came out to listen to.

RD had also agreed to answer questions and I got a look at some of the ones sent in advance. Do you think there’s a faith gene; why do Darwin’s theories suggest a progression from simplicity to complexity when the tendency in the universe as a whole is towards entropy; and “If the phenotype is the chicken and DNA is the egg, why do you insist that the egg is more important?” And my favourite: “Is it possible for you to come to New Zealand and hold a debate with [redacted], (Head of [redacted] Church, Has a huge Maori/Pacific Island following, political power openly hates homosexuality and advocates strict adherence to fundamentalist biblical morality) and [redacted], who argues that evolutionary theory is being used as fodder, for a secular campaign against Christianity?”

Let me see. Guessing … no.

Prologue prejudice

Prologues never did Chaucer any harm, generally speaking, but all in all I’m against them.

For some reason they work better in films or TV than in a book. They can set up a scene, or deliver some nice misdirection, or alternatively scatter some useful clues. They can establish an atmosphere. A picture is worth a thousand words and all that. A friend who went to see The Prestige, having earlier read the novel, was amused to see that the opening credits – a panning shot of dozens of identical-looking top hats – essentially gives the entire plot away, but no one who hasn’t read the book is going to realise it. Thus, later on, the switched-on viewer gets the “aa-aa-h!” moment of understanding. But imagine if the book started with a description of the hats – that would just be pointless. Eventually the reader would get it, but so what? And that’s why the book doesn’t do that.

This is not to say I won’t use a prologue, ever. I already have. His Majesty’s Starship kicks off with a press release. It seemed the quickest way of setting the scene. So I’ll allow a prologue like that – something that seems off-whack with the story in general, so that the reader is intrigued to see how the two tie in.

But prologues that are essentially missing chapters from the body of the book – no. The information contained within such a prologue should emerge naturally within the story anyway. Case in point – an enjoyably flawed work I’ve just finished called The Last Templar by Michael Jecks. This, I’m guessing, was meant to kick off a medieval murder series in the vein of Cadfael. And it does – I gather there are other books with the same heroes – but not half as well. Part of that is way the author populates fourteenth century Devon with time travellers who invite visitors in for “a glass of beer” and can pin their movements down to “ten o’clock” or “half past seven”. (He does however know his technical details, like how houses were made and lived in at that time, and boy does he make sure you know it too. But there are exciting action scenes, and a couple of good bits of misdirection, and the way he describes the glooming, looming Devon moors makes them almost come alive as characters in the best Gothic tradition. Credit where credit’s due.)

BUT: it’s a three-murder mystery and the most significant of these was an abbot who was tied to a tree and burnt alive. The abbot’s abduction by two individuals was witnessed and it soon becomes very clear to the reader that there are only a couple of people in the novel who could possibly fit the description. One of them is quite obviously a nameless gent we met in the prologue. Now, without the prologue, we might think “that looks like X … but he’s obviously one of the good guys and I can’t think why he would do something like that, so it can’t be.” Meanwhile X’s history could be revealed bit by bit and the reader would be caught up in the excitement of discovery.

But no. Thanks to the prologue we can immediately guess 95% of what happened with perfect accuracy, and see why X would do that, and so the rest of the novel – approximately half, or more – is a frustrating exercise of watching the hero be immensely thick until even he can’t avoid working it out.

Prologues. Avoid, if possible.

Dragon force

You can grow heartily sick of the Hawaii Five-O theme tune. Surprising, I know, but true. At the annual Abingdon dragonboat event they play it every time there’s a race, and there’s 18 teams in three heats plus a semi final and a final. That’s a lot of Five-O. On the plus side, once you’re on the water you don’t hear it, due to some strange acoustic effect plus the fact that you’re concentrating on the paddling. At the risk of sounding like a Guinness ad, you wait. The word comes. You ready with the paddles. And then you go at it for the next minute, regardless of how much water you’re being splashed with, or wondering how the guy behind you keeps managing to hit you on the shoulder (hitting my paddle I could understand, but my shoulder?), you just keep going, one, two, one, two, and then suddenly you’re told to stop paddling because apparently you’ve made it.
Look very closely at the boat furthest from the camera and you’ll see a guy in a leather hat from New Zealand. The hat, not the guy. That would be me.


You might also notice that the boat is a little further ahead of the opposition. That would be because we won this heat with our personal best of 1 min 5.22 seconds. The Floating Points (for ’twas they) did 1 min 5.50 seconds, which is surely about as closely as you can cut a finish without altering the outcome by observing it. Still not quite enough to get us into the finals, which were for the fastest six teams, but a respectable showing. We’re at the bottom of the score board, but only because we were the last to go in the first heat, against Blazin’ Paddles. We won that one too …


The key, we were told over and over again, is rhythm. A team with less powerful strokes but more rhythm will do better than a team with the opposite. This might be why, in between the endless Five-O, we were treated to possibly the full range of 70s disco beats. We did also get Meat Loaf’s “Dead ringer for love,” which would be anexcellent tune to paddle to … but no, Five-O it has to be.

To keep with the rhythm whilst paddling, teams are encouraged to shout “one, two, one, two …” I did however hear an all female team rehearsing with “ooh, ah, ooh, ah.” Another alternative suggested, bearing in mind the vaguely computational nature of our business, was “nought, one, nought, one”. Or perhaps for soft porn aficionados, “yes, yes, yes, yes.”
The Smurfs included a 78 year old lady in all three of their races (third from the back). So they may have lagged behind the rest in performance times, but three hearty cheers anyway.


People might have thought it was very public spirited of the Abingdon gay community to enter into the spirit of the proceedings so, fielding an entire team named Man2Man and getting a place in the finals. Sadly Man2Man is in fact the name of our church’s men’s group. I wish they’d asked, well, anyone before settling on that one, but what can you do?

Anyway, the sun shone, the sky was blue, the joie de vivre was vivacious, Cancer Research got two thirds of however much we raised. A good time had by all.